Top ways to not get back with your asshole ex!!!

I am terrible at picking out people to be in relationships with. I am not going to start lying now. However many of my friends ask me time and time again how I can just break up with someone and not go back. So I am not trying to toot my own horn here but here I go. I am extremely good at breaking up with people. I know that being in love changes everything and is something that makes it harder when you break up with someone but just remember these few guidelines and they will help.

Think about all the uncomfortable times with his parents. Now you do not have to do this any more.

Ask your self if your mother would like this relationship if she knew everything about it.

Remind yourself of all the hot bachelors out there… George Clooney for example

Think about how shitty you feel now and multiply that times 1,000. That is how you will feel if you get back together and all this pain is drawn out.

Keep telling yourself “If we broke up once then there is probably a reason why”

Make sure you keep in mind his most annoying habits and keep replaying it in your mind over and over again.

Don’t think about the good times in bed!!! When breaking up this is the single worse thing to do if you do not want to get back together. Instead try to keep in your head all the bad times in bed. All the times you faked it. All the awkward times you two were naked together, and all the strange places he has hair.

Keep thinking about your minutes and consider sighing up for a pay per text plan. now is not the time to throw away common sense. That asshole does not deserve your daytime minutes.

Replay every fight you had over and over again after a few days of this you will be happy you are single.

Think about all the movies/ TV shows that you get to choose for your self now. yes!!!

P.S Also a vibrator helps but you didn’t hear it form me.

How to have sex like a man!!!

My best guy friend ,Jared, wife left him in April. She left him for another man she had met on the Internet while he was teaching at the local university. Five months later he is still trying to pick up the pieces and figure out what he should do next. His wife was the only woman he had ever been with and in turn he was the only man she had been with. (until online douche bag.) They had been together since high school and when they got married it seemed like a fairy tail ending.

Being the one of all our friends who have gone through the most breakups not to met ion a divorce. Jared has turned to me for help “starting over”.If there is such a thing. What I have learned is that either guys are more like us then I originally though or Jared is one of those few sensitive men that us women can relate to.Recently going through a breakup myself after countless nights of watching “Sex and the City” drinking a bottle of red wine I decide that we needed to make our lives a little more like Samantha a little less like well us.

The following Saturday night I drug Jared kicking and screaming to a local watering hole. I told him that he had to at least talk to one girl and he got double points if he bought them a drink. As I paroled the scene finding more and more prospects the more I drank, Jared sat and waited for me to come back. This is probably what happened in his marriage.

The next day at breakfast frustrated with the failure of my protege I asked what happened. “I just want the next girl I sleep with to be so hot that it makes Joy Jealous” Jared said. I replied “isn’t the point of a rebound to get over your last relationship and to not care what the last person in your relationship thinks?” All in all I made my point but as for all maters of the heart it is easier said than done. Two weeks later the only woman that Jared has talked to besides me and his mom is now the object of his affection and he thinks that she might be the one. Three weeks later she is not returning his phone call es and Jared is wondering once again what happened.

Again at breakfast again frustrated with my protege after listening to his woes I blurted out you need to start having sex like a man! Instantly Jared replied “what does that mean? Last for 3 min roal over and go to sleep?” No that is not exactly what I meant nobody likes that.

But what did I mean? I have heard this term before and never really had applied to my life either. Quickly what I explained (pulling it out of my ass) I said ” No it means take the power back in your relationships. Do not rely on just one person making you happy and finding that one person making you happy.

In every relationship that I have actually like the person I put their needs before mine. I think that basically most people are attracted to slightly selfish people. So what I am going to do and what I told Jared to do is next time you really like someone pretend to be slightly selfish. Don’t be an asshole just make shure your needs are number one. This seems like a good plan to get them met. We will see. let me know if your experiences. If this is tried and true or just a stupid theory?

hapily ever after?

As a child I could not wait until I was a ”grown-up”. Watching my parents and all of there friends they made it look so easy. They got married young, had kids, and 20 to 30 years later they are still in love.

When I was a teenager I wised up and started to find that the life style of my parents and their amigos were living was harder to come by then I thought. I still believed deep down inside that I would fall in love and just know. Just know that was the person I was supposed to be with. Just know what I was supposed to do.

In college I believed that when you were in your later 20s early 30s life was honestly like “Friends” and “Sex in the city”. You had an amazing group of good looking friends who were there for you no matter what. Romantic interests were exactly that interesting. They were also abundant. For a while my life was very much like this. Meeting people was fun and easy. While all of my romantic encounters were good looking they all lacked in the character depth department. However I overlooked this because of the booze and because I was shallow and all I cared about was looks. My friends were amazing and always around.

I found out that it is hard to know who your true friends are when every thing is going good. For this reason alone you have to appreciate when every thing is going wrong. This is the only time when you can be sure who your true friends are. The truth is that your true friends may not be who you initially thought or pictured. They may not be perfect looking like monica and rachel. They may not be funny or witty like Joey and Chandler. Or entertaining like Phoebe or Samantha. But they are the ones that are important. They are the ones that your did not appreciate until you had to. For these people you must be thankful of all of your misfortune.

Okay so I am rambling. So my life used to be very much like sex in the city. Now I am 24. I have a 17 month old. and I am alone (not really Jane my golden retriever is here) watching the bachelor with Chris ODonell. With all of this I have finally come to the conclusion that real life is not so much sex not so much city. It is more cleaning up spilt yogurt and going to bed early. Actually it is more like Jerry Maguire but with out the sappy ending. Yet… I guess I am still waiting for an ending to complete me.